What's black and white, black and white, and black and white? (A panda bear rolling down a hill!)
"Where did you born?" "At the hospital!" "Don’t tell me! And what were you in for?"
When I was born, everyone was so happy. Even the doctor said, ‘I think it’s a baby.’
A: How do children in Baghdad do? A: Bombastically.
What do you give a cat for its birthday? A catologue.
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver looked at the child and blurted out, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" Infuriated, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, he shouldn't say things to insult passengers. He could be fired for that." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!" "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
Q: What bounces and makes kids cry? A: My donation cheque to Children in Need.
A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. "Douchebag!" the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. "Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?" His son looks at him and says: "Too late, douchebag."
Anxiety: Getting up to see why the baby isn’t crying.
TEACHER: Why would you paint something black? STUDENT: So it runs faster.