Q: Hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? A: It's called Sosumi.
Q: What do lawyers wear to court? A: Lawsuits!
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!" "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" "No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!" Confidently the lawyer responded, "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them." "But I did send them.", replied the man. "What?" shouted the lawyer. "I sure did, that's how we won the case... good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiff's business card."
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer. That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange"!
Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer? A: About three pounds, including the urn.
If it wasn’t for lawyers, we wouldn’t need them.
Q: What’s the difference between Personal Injury lawyers and Congress? A: No fee–If No Recovery!
Terrorists have hijacked a planeload of lawyers bound for a legal convention. They’ve threatened to start releasing the lawyers one by one until their demands are met.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist? A: Terrorists have sympathisers.
Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung? A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!