The best jokes about life

*BOOM* Mum shouts: "What was that?" Me: "My coat fell." Mum: "It sounded a lot heavier than that!" Me: "I was in it."
Vote:
has 69.39 % from 58 votes. More jokes about: family, life
My blonde girlfriend went to the doctors this morning and was told she had two weeks to live. She chose last week and this week.
Vote:
has 69.34 % from 54 votes. More jokes about: blonde, death, life, stupid, time
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can’t leave," the doctor says. But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you’re gonna die."
Vote:
has 69.31 % from 38 votes. More jokes about: life
A grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "Please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"
Vote:
has 69.30 % from 50 votes. More jokes about: god, heaven, life
Doc, I think I need to wear glasses Indeed you have to, you are in a bank.
Vote:
has 69.28 % from 46 votes. More jokes about: life
Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson are hiking. They hiked all day long and then, having gotten tired, unpacked and quickly retired. Holmes wakes up deep into the night, wakes Watson and says "Watson, do you see the bright stars and do you notice how clear the sky is? What can you deduce from it?" Watson yawns and tries to play the game. LWell, this clearly tells us the weather tomorrow is going to be dry and sunny." "No, my friend. It’s much simpler than that. Someone has stolen our tent."
Vote:
has 69.19 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: life
Everytime a someone tells me my jokes are funny, I say, "Thanks! I got more lines than Whitney Huston's coffee table.".
Vote:
has 69.19 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: celebrity, life
Q: How is a boss better than a wife? A: A boss at least pays you for making your life miserable.
Vote:
has 69.19 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: life, management, money, wife
Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray this cushy life to keep. I pray for toys that look like mice, And sofa cushions, soft and nice. I pray for gourmet kitty snacks, And someone nice to scratch my back, For windowsills all warm and bright, For shadows to explore at night. I pray I'll always stay real cool And keep the secret feline rule To never tell a human that The world is really ruled by cats!
Vote:
has 69.00 % from 160 votes. More jokes about: cat, food, kitty, life, poems
3 Stages of Sex: 1. House Sex - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house, in every room. 2. Bedroom Sex - After you've been married for a while and you just have sex in the bedroom. 3. Hall Sex - After you've been married for many years, and you just pass each other in the hall and say, "F**k you!"
Vote:
has 68.97 % from 61 votes. More jokes about: life, marriage, sex
<<<35363738
More jokes →
Page 35 of 82.