An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done."
Chuck Norris has only used the 'Total Gym' twice in his life. When his eyes are open - and when they are closed.
Whats the difference between a jeweler and a jailer? One sells watches and one watches cells.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
Ignorance can be educated. Crazy can be medicated. But there is no cure for stupidity...
I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
Cessna pilot: "Tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel. Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide! Do you have the airfield in sight?" Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."
Patient: "Doctor, I can’t sleep." Doctor: "Lie at of edge of your bed and you will sleep off."
A diner complained, "Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!" His waiter replied, "That's entirely possible; our cook used to be a tailor."
What do you call it when Miley Cyrus falls down? Hoe-Down.