"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade." "Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?" "Yea, I shaved with the electric razor."
I weighed myself today. It is clear I am too small for my weight.
There's an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.
Q: Wanna hear a joke? A: Women's Rights.
Why can't cinderella get in the basketball team? Because she keeps running away from the ball.
An old man and woman hate each other, but remain married for years. During their shouting fights, the old man constantly warns his wife, "If I die first, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" One day, the man abruptly dies. After the burial, the wife goes straight to the local bar and begins to party. Her friends ask if she isn't worried about her husband digging himself out of the grave. The wife smiles, "Let the old bugger dig. I had him buried upside down!"
"I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle" he moped.
Abraham Lincoln can finish a play better than the 2013 Broncos.
The best thing about trying to name a baby is realizing how many people you hate.
A Jewish guy got in a taxi cab...5 min into a ride the driver notice a man beating up a woman on the other side of the street. The driver rush to the scene. He open the door ran out as soon as he did that the Jewish guy roll down his window as fast as he can and shouted, "Stop it, stop it, stop the meter."