Life’s a bitch, and then you’re reincarnated.
You WILL be a winner today.
Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
Q: What bounces and makes kids cry?
A: My donation cheque to Children in Need.
Bruce lee does not drink water, he drinks WATAAAA.
Abraham Lincoln can finish a play better than the 2013 Broncos.
Yo' Mama is so uptight, you need the jaws of life to part her legs.
Customer: "Waiter, this soup tastes funny."
Waiter: "Funny? But then why aren’t you laughing?"
A single woman who retired just a few months back walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch in her neighborhood.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said.
"What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said.
"I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said.
"How old are you?'
"Twenty-six," he said.
The organizers of the concert complain to the conductor of a choir:
You were supposed to bring a mixed choir, but I can see only men here.
But it is a mixed choir – half of them know how to sing, and the other half- do not.
Once, on the set of Walker Texas Ranger, a goat fell over dead.
Chuck Norris ran up to the goat and beard rubbed it back to life.
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