You WILL be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
Q: What bounces and makes kids cry? A: My donation cheque to Children in Need.
Bruce lee does not drink water, he drinks WATAAAA.
Abraham Lincoln can finish a play better than the 2013 Broncos.
Yo' Mama is so uptight, you need the jaws of life to part her legs.
A single woman who retired just a few months back walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch in her neighborhood. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?' "Twenty-six," he said.
The organizers of the concert complain to the conductor of a choir: You were supposed to bring a mixed choir, but I can see only men here. But it is a mixed choir – half of them know how to sing, and the other half- do not.
Once, on the set of Walker Texas Ranger, a goat fell over dead. Chuck Norris ran up to the goat and beard rubbed it back to life.
The fastest dialog in the world: (WC door is opening) Man inside: Heyyy! Man outside: Sorryyy!
A patient: "Doctor, I don’t feel hungry after taking meal." Doctor: "Really, your condition is very serious. Wait a bit." (After sometime, the doctor holds out some medicines). Doctor: "Take these pills. You take one pill after your sleep and another one before you get-up."