There's an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.
Waiter, what is this stuff? That's bean salad sir. I know what it's been, but what is it now?
An old man and woman hate each other, but remain married for years. During their shouting fights, the old man constantly warns his wife, "If I die first, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" One day, the man abruptly dies. After the burial, the wife goes straight to the local bar and begins to party. Her friends ask if she isn't worried about her husband digging himself out of the grave. The wife smiles, "Let the old bugger dig. I had him buried upside down!"
"I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle" he moped.
Abraham Lincoln can finish a play better than the 2013 Broncos.
The best thing about trying to name a baby is realizing how many people you hate.
Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
Life’s a bitch, and then you’re reincarnated.
You WILL be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
What has four legs but can't walk? A chair.