I weighed myself today. It is clear I am too small for my weight.
There's an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.
An old man and woman hate each other, but remain married for years. During their shouting fights, the old man constantly warns his wife, "If I die first, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" One day, the man abruptly dies. After the burial, the wife goes straight to the local bar and begins to party. Her friends ask if she isn't worried about her husband digging himself out of the grave. The wife smiles, "Let the old bugger dig. I had him buried upside down!"
"I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle" he moped.
Abraham Lincoln can finish a play better than the 2013 Broncos.
The best thing about trying to name a baby is realizing how many people you hate.
Life’s a bitch, and then you’re reincarnated.
You WILL be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
Bruce lee does not drink water, he drinks WATAAAA.
Chuck Norris like life... lucky her.