Willow Smith is 11 and has a tongue ring, half her head shaved and is bisexual. She needs to go live with her Aunty and Uncle in Bel-Air.
Chuck can use "save" in real life. But he doesn't need it.
Life is an open door. It can be closed at any time, so don’t complain about the draught.
How do you caculate the population of Russia? You roll a bottle of vodka down the street.
A man goes to his doctor after losing a lot of weight. "I feel great, but I have a problem, doctor. I was so fat beforehand that my skin has stretched and stayed that long. Is there anything you can give me?" "Hmm, short of plastic surgery, there is only one alternative. Please take off your clothes." The man strips down. The doctor pulls all his skin upwards and ties it in a ball above his head. "But doctor -- now my navel is in the middle of my forehead!" "True," replies the doctor, "and you should see what you have for a collar and tie."
Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
Chuck Norris doesn't have a beard by choice, even the jaws of life can't cut it.
Are you free on Sunday? The director asks his secretary. Yes, sir. Then, please, use this day to rest a bit, so you won’t be late at work on Monday.
J: What did Miley Cyrus eat for Thanksgiving day? A: TWERKY!