The best math jokes

A chemist, a physicist, and a mathematician are stranded on an island when a can of food rolls ashore. The chemist and the physicist comes up with many ingenious ways to open the can. Then suddenly the mathematician gets a bright idea: "Assume we have a can opener..."

Chuck Norris teaches math to solve its own problems.

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't? Depreciation.

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four." The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four." The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want it to be?"

Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is 4+4? Pupil: That's not fair! You answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one!

Teacher asks student: What is the half of 8? Student: Miss horizontally or vertically? Teacher: What do mean? Student: Horizontally it is 0 and vertically it is 3.

Math tells us three of the saddnest love stories: 1)Tangent lines who had one chance to meet and then parted forever. 2)Parallel lines who were never meant to meet. 3)Asymptotes who can get closer and closer but will never be together.

Teacher: "Are you good at math?" Pupil: "Yes and no." Teacher: "What do you mean?" Pupil: "Yes, I'm no good at math!"

Maths and Girls are the most complicated things, but Maths at least has some logic.

Two statisticians go bird hunting. The first one fires at the bird but overshoots by 5 feet. The second one fires and undershoots the bird by 5 feet. They both give each other a high-five and say "Got it!"