A statistician's wife had twins. He was delighted. He rang the minister who was also delighted. "Bring them to church on Sunday and we'll baptize them," said the minister. "No," replied the statistician. "Baptize one. We'll keep the other as a control."
One attractive young businesswoman to another over lunch: "My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying."
A blonde desserts her home town out of shame, and colors her hair brown. She drives past a farm and sees all the sheep. She goes up to the farmer and ask, "If I guess how many sheep you have can I have one?" The farmer nodded. She continued. "159" The farmer is surprised. "How did you know?" "Lucky guess" She grabs one and gets in her car. The farmer comes up and says, "If I can guess your real hair color can I get my dog back?"
I ordered a foot-long sandwich from a take-out restaurant and asked the clerk to cut it into fourths. "I'm sorry, I can't," she said. "I already cut it in half."
Q: How do mathematicians induce good behavior in their children? A: "If I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
A guy is flying in a hot air balloon and he's lost. So he lowers himself over a field and shouts to a guy on the ground:"Can you tell me where I am, and which way I'm headed?" "Sure! You're at 43 degrees, 12 minutes, 21.2 seconds north; 123 degrees, 8 minutes, 12.8 seconds west. You're at 212 meters above sea level. Right now, you're hovering, but on your way in here you were at a speed of 1.83 meters per second at 1.929 radians" "Thanks! By the way, are you a statistician?" "I am! But how did you know?" "Everything you've told me is completely accurate; you gave me more detail than I needed, and you told me in such a way that it's no use to me at all!" "Dang! By the way, are you a principal investigator?" "Geeze! How'd you know that?" "You don't know where you are, you don't know where you're going. You got where you are by blowing hot air, you start asking questions after you get into trouble, and you're in exactly the same spot you were a few minutes ago, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"
"Students nowadays are so clueless", the math professor complains to a colleague. "Yesterday, a student came to my office hours and wanted to know if General Calculus was a Roman war hero..."
There are three kinds of accountants in the world. Those who can count and those who can't.
George and Harry out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are". Harry let's out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, let's ask that guy on the ground". So Harry yells down at the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?" The man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air". George turns to Harry and says "That man must be a lawyer". And Harry says "How can you tell?". George says "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate and totally useless". That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still worried about George and Harry: They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
How I see math word problems: If you have 4 pencils and 7 apples, how many pancakes will fit on the roof? Purple, because aliens don't wear hats.