A burglar breaks into a house and is quietly and expertly collecting valuables in his bag when he hears a voice: "Jesus is watching you."
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half time.
What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1) No mind.
2) No business.
What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.
He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention.
It's a folding bottle."
"OK," says the clerk.
"What do you call it?"
"A fottle, replies the inventor."
"A fottle?
That's a stupid!
Can't you think of something else?"
"I can think about it.
I've got something else though.
It's a folding carton."
"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.
"A farton", replies the inventor.
"That's rude.
You can't possibly call it that!"
"In that case," says the inventor...
"You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
Men are like guns.
Keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it.