What do you call a woman that works like a man??
Lazy.
How do you know if your man is dead?
The sex is the same, but there's less ironing.
A guy was going to Texas and when he went on the train he said, "Ohh my god Texas chairs are really big."
He went to a bar he asked for a bear and when the bar tender gave him the mug of bear the guy said, "Wooww Texas mugs are really big."
Later he asked the bar tender were is the bathroom and the bar tender said, "Strait on your right."
But the guy went on his left and when he entered the room he slipped and feel in the swimming pool and said, "Don't flush don't flush!"
What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
What's the difference between a man and a messy room?
You can straighten up a messy room.
Bigamy is having one husband too many.
Some say monogamy is the same.
He: Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in
the worst way.
She: Well, you succeeded.
I’ve know John a long time and am considered a bit of a father figure to him.
I have watched him crawl around on his knees, drink from a bottle and I’ve cleaned up after him but enough about the Bachelor Party.
What's the quickest way to lose 190 pounds of ugly fat?
Divorce him.