What's the quickest way to lose 190 pounds of ugly fat? Divorce him.
Q. How do men define a long-term relationship? A. A second date.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
Men are like.....Vacations. They never seem to be long enough.
What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO? I don't know, I've never seen either one.
Why were men given larger brains than dogs? A.So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties. B.So they wouldn't stop to play with every other man they see when you take them around the block.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger between his neck and the noose.
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera? Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.
Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there. Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and here's how... An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. As smart as bait. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash. Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor. Forgot to pay his brain bill. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. If he had another brain, it would be lonely. Missing a few buttons on his remote control. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. Receiver is off the hook. Surfing in Nebraska. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. A few beers short of a six-pack. A few peas short of a casserole. The cheese slid off his cracker. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. Couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.