The best money jokes

A man is in a bar and has one too many drinks. This beautiful lady sits down next to him. He turns to her and says "Hey how bout it. You and me, gettin it on. I've got a couple dollars and it looks like you could use a little money." She stands up and says, "What makes you think I charge by the inch."
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has 35.28 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, beauty, money, women
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. "Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks." Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: "Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
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has 35.28 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: health, IT, medical, money, time
A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight! Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said "Why did you put up such a fight?" To which the man promptly replied "I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!"
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has 34.87 % from 8 votes. More jokes about: money
Johnny collected lots of money from trick or treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate. ' You should give that money to charity,' said the shopkeeper. 'No, I'll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity!'
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has 34.87 % from 8 votes. More jokes about: food, money
Why did the mean teacher walk around with her purse open? She'd read there was going to be some change in the weather.
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has 34.87 % from 8 votes. More jokes about: money, teacher, weather
Mortal: What is a million years like to you? God: Like one second. Mortal: What is a million pounds like to you? God: Like one penny. Mortal: Can I have a penny? God: Just a second…
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has 34.87 % from 8 votes. More jokes about: money
OK, who put a stop payment on my reality check?
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has 34.87 % from 8 votes. More jokes about: money
The cost of living is the difference between your net income and your gross habits!
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has 34.78 % from 6 votes. More jokes about: money
I hate paying my income tax. You should be a good citizen - why don't you pay with a smile? I'd like to but they insist on money.
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has 34.72 % from 19 votes. More jokes about: money, tax
You will never see a car worth over $10,000 with an Obama sticker on the back.
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has 34.57 % from 53 votes. More jokes about: car, money, political, republican
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