There will always be death and taxes.
However, death doesn’t get worse every year.
If you owe the bank $100, that's your problem.
If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem.
Why do people like to borrow money in Alaska?
Because they have Fairbanks!
Why did the mobster put his money in the freezer?
He liked cold hard cash!
Why is money green?
Because people usually pick it before it's ripe!
What’s the difference between an insurance company actuary and a Mafia actuary?
An insurance company actuary can tell you how many people will die this year, a Mafia actuary can name them.
He was so poor he didn’t even get a yo-yo for Christmas.
His parents could only afford a yo.
We were so poor our mother would send us out with a shopping list to chase the garbage truck.
Last year I told the kids there was no Father Christmas, this year I’m telling the wife.
My uncle is very mean.
I went round the other day and found him stripping the wallpaper.
He wasn’t redecorating, he was moving.