Teacher: “You missed school yesterday, didn’t you?” Boy: “Not a bit!”
Father: "You've got 4 D's and a C on your report." Son: "Maybe I concentrated too much on the one subject..."
Why don’t some teachers like to break wind in public? Because they’re private tooters.
A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied. The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No, it's because you're 25."
A medical student is driving home on a narrow country road in the middle of the night after his shift in the hospital. The weather is terrible. It's raining cats and dogs. Suddenly a motorbike is screaming by with very high speed. "Jesus Crhist! What an idiot! He will crash if he doesn't slow down!" A few minutes later he spotted in his headlights on the side of the road the torn up motorbike against a big tree. He stopped and quickly jumped out of his car to see in he can give first aid. But it's to late. The biker is already dead. He looked around if there is anyone around. Nobody to see. The student thouhgt "This is the oppertunity to finally obtain a real human eye!" He always carryrna spoon and a glass eye in his pocket for an opperunity like this. He quickly removes the left eye and places the glass eye in the socket. One quick look around and he jumps in his car and races off. The next morning when he wakes up he turned on the tv and watches the news. It said: "Biker found dead on country road with 2 glass eyes."
“If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up” said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. “Now then, mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?” enquired the teacher with a sneer. “Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.”
An English professor complained to the pet shop proprietor, “The parrot I purchased uses improper language.” “I’m surprised,” said the owner. “I’ve never taught that bird to swear.” “Oh, it isn’t that,” explained the professor. “But yesterday I heard him split an infinitive.”
How many schoolteachers does it take to change a light bulb? None. Anything not completed during the lesson is added to the homework.
"Mommy, all the kids at school say I'm a werewolf! Is that true?" "No, of course not. Now shut up and comb your face."
John: Knock, knock. Justin: Who’s there? John: Gladys. Justin: Gladys, who? John: Gladys the weekend—no homework!