A newlywed couple moves into their new house.
One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start.
I think it needs a new battery.
Could you change it for me?"
He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"
Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard.
The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof!
Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed.
So is the plumbing.
So is the car.
He asks his wife what happened.
"Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says.
"Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls.
Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him."
"Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.
"What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"
Come on guys, I think we are a little tough on pedophiles, they have a hard time fitting in.
Vote:
Q: The male sex has two hobbies. What are they?
A: His left hand and his right hand.
Vote:
Your beauty is why God invented eyeballs, but your booty is why God invented my balls!
Yo momma's clitoris is as long as my dick.
A guy buys his first motorcycle.
The dealer tells him to keep a jar of Vaseline handy to rub on the chrome before it rains to prevent rusting.
A few months later, the young man's girlfriend invites him to dinner at her parents' house.
Before they go in, she explains their family tradition that whomever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After dinner, everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break.
After 15 minutes, the young man decides to speed things up.
He leans over and kisses his woman in front of her family.
No one says a word.
Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her.
Silence.
Desperate, he grabs her mother and has sex with her on the table.
Suddenly, they hear thunder rumble in the distance.
The guy thinks of his bike and, instinctively, pulls the jar of Vaseline out of his pocket.
"OK, OK," says the father, "I'll do the dishes!"
There are a hundred holes in the body of a woman; one of them would be filled with a penis and 99 others could be filled with money.
Two old women were talking about their sex lives.
Ethel was upset because her sex life had really died, while Mildred said her sex life was great.
Mildred counseled Ethel, "When my Sammy is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lie on the bed, and put both legs behind my head.
When he sees me like that, he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night."
Ethel said, "I'm going to try that tonight."
While Ethel's husband Harold was in the bathroom that night, she took off all her clothes.
She struggled to get both legs behind her head.
After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel fell backwards and couldn't move.
Harold came out of the bathroom with a shocked look on his face.
"For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in. You look like an a**hole."
Two men are having a drink together.
One says, ‘I had sex with my wife before we were married.
What about you?’
‘I don’t know,’ says the other.
‘What was her maiden name?’
A woman goes into a noisy launderette and asks the assistant to do a service wash.
‘What?!’ shouts the assistant.
‘Come again?!’
‘No!’ shouts back the woman.
‘This time it’s mustard!’