There's something actionable in your pants.
Yo' Mama is so fat, you have to slap her thigh and ride the wave in to have sex with her.
A man who recently had a sex-change operation was talking to his former buddies at work about the operation. "Was it painful?" someone asked. "Well,"she said. "There was one part that was extremely painful." "I bet I know what part was so painful," someone else said. "I bet it was when they cut off your balls," they said. "No," she said. "I was heavily sedated and didn't feel a thing." "Then it must have been when they cut off your pecker," another person offered. "No," she said. "I was sedated then too, and didn't feel anything." "Then what part of the operation was so painful?" They wanted to know. "Well," she said. "After they were done cutting, they stuck a straw in my ear and sucked out half of my brains."
What’s the definition of a Yankee? Same thing as a ‘quickie’ but you do it yourself.
In bed my girlfriend used to mentally dress me.
Happy Father's Day to someome who's been completely replaced in his marriage by Fifty Shades of Grey.
A guy walks into a drug store and asks for a packet of condoms. The pharmacist says, ‘That’ll be £5.00 with the tax.’ ‘Tacks?’, the guy exclaims. ‘I thought you rolled them on!’
Ted and Julie go to bed with each other for the first time. Julie: "I should warn you, Ted -- I've got acute angina." Ted: "Your breasts aren't bad either."
Randy Rachel has got a speech impediment – she can’t say no.
Why did the Irishman wear two condoms? To be sure, to be sure.