The best technology jokes

New Year's Resolutions for Internet Junkies... I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses. I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband). I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person. I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily...well, once a week... okay, monthly then...or maybe... I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher. When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I will not reply "MS Tech Support." When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!" I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it. I will think of a password other than "password." I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.

As a member of the organization that installs computer systems aboard Navy ships, I am mindful of how important the off-ship e-mail capabilities are to sailor morale, especially when some vessels are deployed for up to six months. One day while shopping at the base commissary, I noticed another crucial aspect of my job. I was behind a frazzled mother with two active children, and as I watched, she stalked over to where her young son had perched himself on the rail of the freezer case. "If you don't get off there right now," she commanded, "I'm going to e-mail your father!"

A retiree and his aged wife started having problems in remembering, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the wife got up from her chair and her retired husband asks, "Where are you going?" She replies, "To the kitchen." he asks "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" She replies, "Sure." he then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" She says, "No, I can remember that." he then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that." She says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." he replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in her voice, she says, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." She then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes she returns from the kitchen and hands him a plate of bacon and eggs. He stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

How do barmen surf the web? On the Gin-ternet.

Chuck Norris can comment on Facebook posts, before you publish them.

Apple, Microsoft and Sony, among others, strive to invent the most cool device to please Chuck Norris, the fail all the time.

Yo mama so fat that when she played Xbox live you can see her face sticking out of your tv screen.

The Perfect Man At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!" An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want,get a TV!"

A blonde walks into a electronic store and asks the manager, “Can I buy that TV” “No” “Why not?” “Because your a blonde.” So the blonde goes out and dyes her hair red. She returned to the electronic store and said, “Can I buy that TV?” “No” “Why not?” “Your a blonde.” So the blonde goes and shaves her hair off and returns to the electronic store and says, “Can I buy that TV?” “No” “Why not?” “You’re a blonde” “How can you tell I’m a blonde, I dyed my hair red, then shaved it off!” “Because that’s not a TV, that’s a microwave!”