Best jokes ever

Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest? A: An Investigator
Vote: has 43.39 % from 37 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal
Man to vicar: ‘Do you approve of sex before marriage?’ Vicar: ‘Not if it delays the service.’
Vote: has 43.39 % from 37 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: sex
This Refrigeration Truck Driver goes into the bar and he asks the bartender "I'd like to have a shot of Gin." The bartender decides to have some fun with him. So the bartender says "All right, what kind of gin would you like?" The trucker said "You mean there's more than one kind of gin?" Bartender says "Sure. You've got Hydrogen, Oxyogen, and Nitrogen." The trucker said "Oh!!!! Well, did you know there are three kinds of turds?" Bartender says "What do you mean three kinds of turds?" Trucker says "Well, you've got Mustard, Custard, and you, you big shit. Now give me my gin."
Vote: has 43.21 % from 12 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, bar, bartender
Q. Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car? A. Because she blows the horn!
Vote: has 43.21 % from 12 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: blonde, car
A lawyer's car stalled on the side of the freeway. As he was getting out to see what was the matter, a reckless driver swerved taking off the whole car door and knocking the lawyer to the ground. A passing police car pulled over. As the policeman got out he heard the lawyer shouting, 'my mercedes, my brand new mercedes!" As the policeman approached he was shocked to notice the lawyer's right arm missing. ''Do you realize your arm is gone?'' asked the policeman? The lawyer, stunned, began to scream, "My rolex, my brand new rolex!"
Vote: has 43.21 % from 12 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: lawyer
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!" My stupid computer keeps saying, "You've got mail!"
Vote: has 43.21 % from 12 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: blonde
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains? If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
Vote: has 43.21 % from 12 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: money
What’s a mouse’s favorite record? Please cheese me!
Vote: has 43.21 % from 12 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, food, music
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and an extra thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but, I'll take the rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars....following him. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes racing to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can throw it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah sir, you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. "No," says the tourist, "I was just hoping you had a bronze sculpture of a lawyer!"
Vote: has 43.21 % from 12 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: lawyer
How many schoolteachers does it take to change a light bulb? None. Anything not completed during the lesson is added to the homework.
Vote: has 43.21 % from 12 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: school