Best jokes ever

A man arrives at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter asks him if he's done any good. The man says no. So St. Peter asks the man to give an account of his bravery. The man says, "I was refereeing a match in London between England and Germany. The score was 0-0 and there was only one more minute of play when I awarded a penalty against England." "Yes," responds St. Peter, "That was a real act of bravery. Can you tell me when this took place?" "Certainly," the man replies. "About three minutes ago."
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A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly towards him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition." Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house!"
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I dated a lawyer until she said, ‘Stop, and/or I’ll slap your face!’
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My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we don’t know where the heck she is.
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Why are men like blenders? You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
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What’s it called when a blonde blows in another blonde’s ear? Data transfer.
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An old man asks a blond: If a guy would try to rape you, will you scream for help? If he can’t manage me by himself off course!
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Yo momma’s so stupid, she cooks with Old Spice.
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Blonde Overdue A blonde goes into a library and cheerfully says, "Hi! I'm here to see the doctor!" In a stern, but hushed voice, the librarian says, "Miss, this is a library." So the blonde lowers her voice and says, "Oh sorry!" Then whispers, "I'm here to see the doctor.
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Chuck Norris can watch an episode of 60 Minutes in a half-hour.
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