A retiree said to his 80 year old friend, “It it true you’re getting married?” “Sure is.” “Have I met her?” “I don't think so.” “Is she attractive?” “Won't win any beauty contests.” “Can she cook?” “Can't even boil an egg.” “Is she rich?” “Rich? Heck, she's so poor she can't even pay attention.” “She must be great in the sack then?” “I haven't actually found out.” “My God, man, why are you marrying her?” “She can still drive.”
The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in, sir. You’re obviously drunk” The wasted wino asked, “Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?” “Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the copper. “Let’s go.” Obviously relieved, the wino said “That’s a relief - I thought I was a cripple.”
Why do women always fart only when they go to the bathroom? They have to blow dry—and there's nothing to shake.
What king of money do fishermen make? Net profits!
Hunter: What has given Mr. Bubbles nightmares since elementary school? Josh: Beats me. Hunter: Pop quizzes!
Q: How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose? A: Her ankles swell up when she farts.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to mature.
What did the policeman say to his belly button? You're under a vest!