Best jokes ever

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie. You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. You ever cut your grass and found a car. The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner. You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'. You own a homemade fur coat. The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. You can get dog hair from out of your belly button. The beer can collection in the town museum is the big tourist attraction. People hear your car a long time before they see it.
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Why did the zombie baby cross the road? He was stapled to the chicken.
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Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
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How is an earnest lawyer called? An oxymoron.
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I see, said the blind man, peeing into the wind. It's all coming back to me now.
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Why can’t elephants go on the beach? Because they can’t keep there trunks up.
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A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
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What does a man consider a seven course meal? A hot dog and a six pack.
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A blonde has sharp pains in her side. The doctor examines her and says, "You have acute appendicitis." The blonde says, "That's sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help."
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Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers? A: Yes sir, with my life.
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More jokes about: lawyer