A couple come across a wishing well. The husband leans over, makes a wish and throws in a penny. The wife makes a wish too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well and drowns. The husband says, ‘Wow! It really works!’
A man walks into a bar and says "I just got back from the battered woman's shelter, and boy are my arms tired." Everyone laughed. The man sat at the end of the bar drinking alone. He was proud of the fine craftsmanship of the shelves he put up in the shelter's pantry, regardless of what others may think.
Chuck Norris only needs one bullet, because it should know to get back in the chamber.
When God said "Let there be light!", Chuck Norris said "Only for half the day."
Q: What bounces and makes kids cry? A: My donation cheque to Children in Need.
Q: What happens when you feed gun powder to a chicken? A: Egg-splosion
How can you tell if a porno was made in the 70's? The guys' schlongs have sideburns!
Chuck Norris was banned from going to "housewarming" parties because he kept burning them down.
Chuck Norris doesn't cry. His eyes sweat.
Q: What is height of Craziness? A: Getting a blank paper Xeroxed.