What do nigger pimps and farmers have in common? They both need a hoe to stay in business!
Q: Chuck Norris invented the internet? A: Just so he had a place to store his porn.
Q: What book do women like the most? A: "Their husbands checkbook!"
A guy walks into a Raptors bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a "Toronto Raptors" jersey and helmet, and is festooned with "Raptors" pom-poms. The bartender says: "Hey! No pets are allowed in here! You'll have to leave!" The guy begs him: "Look, I'm desperate. We're both big fans, the TV is broken, and this is the only place around where we can see the game!" After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there's any trouble, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game. The big game begins and Vince Carter does a great slum dunk. With that the dog jumps up on the bar, and begins walking up and down the bar giving high-fives to everyone. The bartender says: "Wow, that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do if Raptors win?" The owner replies: "I don't know, I've only had him for a half year."
If you say "alright" in the mirror 3 times Matthew McConaughey will appear and hand you a joint.
Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
Q: What bounces and makes kids cry? A: My donation cheque to Children in Need.
Q: What happens when you feed gun powder to a chicken? A: Egg-splosion
How can you tell if a porno was made in the 70's? The guys' schlongs have sideburns!
Chuck Norris was banned from going to "housewarming" parties because he kept burning them down.