You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie. You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. You ever cut your grass and found a car. The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner. You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'. You own a homemade fur coat. The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. You can get dog hair from out of your belly button. The beer can collection in the town museum is the big tourist attraction. People hear your car a long time before they see it.
Why did the zombie baby cross the road? He was stapled to the chicken.
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
How is an earnest lawyer called? An oxymoron.
I see, said the blind man, peeing into the wind. It's all coming back to me now.
Why can’t elephants go on the beach? Because they can’t keep there trunks up.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
What does a man consider a seven course meal? A hot dog and a six pack.
A blonde has sharp pains in her side. The doctor examines her and says, "You have acute appendicitis." The blonde says, "That's sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help."
Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers? A: Yes sir, with my life.