Why is marriage a three-ring circus?
First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.
Husband to wife: ‘Put your coat on, I’m going to the pub.’
Wife: ‘Oh that’s nice, are you taking me for a drink?’
Husband: ‘No, I’m turning the heating off.’
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
"Mommy, all the kids at school say I'm a werewolf! Is that true?"
"No, of course not.
Now shut up and comb your face."
Q: What can a goose do that a duck can't do and a lawyer should do?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
Q: How many sheep do you need to make a sweater?
A: I don’t know.
I didn’t think sheep could knit!
I stopped a girl in the street last night and handed her a rape alarm and some pepper spray. She looked confused and said, "What are these for?" I started unbuttoning my jeans and replied, "I like a challenge."
Q: How does Jesus celebrate Easter?
A: He gets a manicure, pedicure, and has his nails polished.
There were 3 people on a boat, Chuck Norris, Jesus, and the Penelope, Jesus said
"I bet I can walk across the water."
He did, Chuck Norris tried, he did, the Penelope said
"They did it that means I do it." ,
He tried, he sank, Jesus said: "Should I have told him about the rocks?"
Chuck Norris said "What rocks?"
Vote:
Q: What did the elf say was the first step in using a Christmas computer?
A: "First, YULE LOGon"!