A man goes into a psychiatric hospital to visit one of his buddies. As he is walking out he notices a guy pretending to be swinging a hockey stick. Curious, he asks: "What are you doing?" The guy replies: "I'm Wayne Gretzky, and I'm practicing my shot." Satisfied with the answer the visitor moves on down the hall. He notices another guy pretending to be playing golf. Curious, he asks: "What are you doing?" The guy replies: "I'm Tiger woods and I'm practicing my golf." Satisfied with this response the visitor again moves on down the hall. He then sees another guy sitting in a chair in the nude with a jar of peanuts beside him. This guy takes a peanut, places it on his dick, waits a minute, then flicks into his mouth. Again, curious he asks: "What are you doing?" The guy replies: "I'M FUCKING NUTS!"
An old man and woman hate each other, but remain married for years. During their shouting fights, the old man constantly warns his wife, "If I die first, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" One day, the man abruptly dies. After the burial, the wife goes straight to the local bar and begins to party. Her friends ask if she isn't worried about her husband digging himself out of the grave. The wife smiles, "Let the old bugger dig. I had him buried upside down!"
What is the difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
How does a cow do math? With a cowculator.
Q: What did the elf say was the first step in using a Christmas computer? A: "First, YULE LOGon"!
What are the similarities between a new wife and a tornado, there's a lot of suckin and blowin and then u lose ur house.
"I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle" he moped.
Q: What do lawyers wear to court? A: Lawsuits!
Chuck Norris won gold for sitting in the crowd at the olympics.
Q: What is the best way to keep dogs out of the street? A: Put them in a barking lot.