Chuck Norris can press "Pause" on reality.
Me "Hi! Welcome to McDonald's! Can I take your Mcorder?" Boss "You don't have to put Mc in front of everything." Me "Oh okay. Hi! Welcome to Donalds! Can I take your order?" Boss "Get out."
Your momma's pussy is so hairy, when your brother was born he died of rugburn.
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening? Sex.
Demons don't hunt Chuck Norris... He is hunting them!
Death is God’s way of saying, ‘Hey, you’re not alive any more.’
How do you fit 500 babies into a phone booth? With a blender. How do you get them out? Nachos - make a dipping and snacking motion.
Chuck Norris has heard the actual voice of Charlie Brown's teacher...
At school, a soldier spoke to Johnny's class. Johnny felt enthusiastic about joining the military, so he went home and told his dad. To his surprise, this was the biggest step forward in his life, so his dad decided to explain the military to him. "Son, I'll teach you what you need to know about the military. The Army and Navy are the only two REAL branches of our military. The Marine Corps is a cult. The Coast Guard is playing a game called 'Pretend Navy Since 1915'." So Johnny asks his dad, "what about the Air Force?" Johnny's dad explained to him, "well son, the Air Force is like a giant corporation. Just a bunch of people sitting at desks playing Flight Simulator and bullshitting with each other." By that time, Johnny was amazed and decided he wanted to join the military, but wanted to know what his daddy did. "What did you do in the military, dad?" "Well son, I spoke Chinese and shot at the Americans in Vietnam."
Q: How do you start a black parade? A: Roll a 40 down the street.