A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
I’ve just come into some money.
I wonder if they’ll still accept it at the shop?
What did the blonde say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall .
The drunk mumbles, "ain’t no use knocking, there’s no paper on this side either!"
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.
After examining the man he says,
"Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot.
Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed.
Have you been eating doughnuts?"
A guy is sitting at the bar watching the game and enjoying his beer.
Another guy strolls over and they begin to converse.
After a while the second asks if he had ever played "beer football?"
He said no, and asked how to play.
"Well, if you chug a beer, you get 6 points, and if you bend over and fart, you get an extra point."
So, the second guy starts off by chugging his beer and farting.
The first man chugged his beer with ease, and when he bent over to fart, the second guy came up and kicked him in the butt and exclaimed, "BLOCK THE KICK!"
A guy goes into a bar and says, "Quick, gimme a beer before the trouble starts!"
The barman looks around the sleepy bar, shrugs and hands the guy a bottle of beer.
The guy drinks it fast.
"Quick! gimme another beer before the trouble starts!"
The barman looks at the guy oddly but hands another beer to the guy.
The guy drinks it fast.
"Quick another beer before the trouble starts!"
The barman hands him another beer, with a frown on his face, but hands it over reluctantly.
Again, the guy drinks it fast.
"Quick another beer before the trouble starts!"
The barman replies, "Look pal, exactly what trouble are you talking about?"
"I haven't got any money!"
Your momma's so fat that when she sits on a penny Lincoln dies once again!!
A man was summoned to court for punching his lawyer.
During the process, the Judge asked him to explain his actions.
"Your Honor," replied the defendant, "that man represented me in a bitter divorce.
One day he said my property settlement hearing was about to be held.
The judge would decide that afternoon what I would get, and what Rose would get.
My lawyer told me I didn't have to be present and "not to worry."
"I can't see why you'd punch a man for that," interrupted the judge.
"Wait, there's more...
When I asked my attorney later about the settlement, he told me to look on the bright side.
I asked why.
Then he said, "Because everything's coming up Rose's."
"THAT'S when I hit him!"
A policeman pulled a blonde over after she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad because all the cars were leaving.