What’s the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull? Lipstick.
In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf. Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles. Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind. Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments. The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often. There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies. Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players. An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging. Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"
Q. What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? A. She moved.
What I want to know is how did a fool and his money get together in the first place?
I drink so much alcohol I’m afraid to smoke.
Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop? A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers
How do you join the police? Handcuff them together.
Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water? A: It'll take a while before I get hard again, I just got laid by a chick.
Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.? A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.