Ramu: Dad, can you write in the dark?
Father: I think so. What do you want me to write?
Ramu: Your name on this report card.
Three grandsons of ex Army Men were boasting about their grandfathers.
"My great grandfather," one declared proudly, "made the army proud by joining the army at the age of 12."
"Mine," boasts another, "got 12 bravery medals."
"He was the only soldier in my family," confessed the third one, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world."
"Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.
"Nothing much.
But he would be 152 years old."
Q: What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day?
A: I'm bakin'.
Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'.
He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked.
'It's not unusual' he replied.
A guy dies and is sent to Hell.
Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in.
In the first room, people are standing in shit up to their necks.
The guy says "no, let me see the next room."
In the second room, people are standing with shit up to their noses.
Guy says no again.
Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room.
People are standing with shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries.
The guy says, "I pick this room."
Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over.
Everyone back on your heads!"
Vote:
Life is an open door.
It can be closed at any time, so don’t complain about the draught.
Yo momma’s so ugly, she makes onions cry.
Wife to husband: ‘When I married you you said you had an ocean-going yacht!’
Husband: ‘Shut up and row.’
Yo mamma so ugly that her birth certificate came with an apology letter from the condom factory.
Chuck Norris is the only person who can kick someone in the back of the face.
Vote: