Q: What did the adding machine say to the cashier? A: You can count on me.
Q: How do you know if a girl is pregnant? A: Shove a tampon and see if all of the cotton is picked.
A man goes to his doctor after losing a lot of weight. "I feel great, but I have a problem, doctor. I was so fat beforehand that my skin has stretched and stayed that long. Is there anything you can give me?" "Hmm, short of plastic surgery, there is only one alternative. Please take off your clothes." The man strips down. The doctor pulls all his skin upwards and ties it in a ball above his head. "But doctor -- now my navel is in the middle of my forehead!" "True," replies the doctor, "and you should see what you have for a collar and tie."
Why is marriage a three-ring circus? First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.
How do you get 100 babies into a bucket? With a blender!
A blonde was headed to Detroit. She got on the plane and sat down in first class. A few minutes later, a flight attendent came up to her and told her that her ticket was for coach and she had to move from the seat. She refused. The flight attendent was persistant, but the blonde replied, "No, I want to sit here, I've always wanted to see what it is like in first class." The flight attendent was getting frustrated. Finally, after quite some time, she convinced her to move. Another passenger who overheard the conversation asked the attendent, "How did you get her to move?" The flight attendent replied, "I told her that first class doesn't stop in Detroit."
Chuck Norris fires Donald Trump.
Q: What does an old woman have that a young woman doesn't? A: A belly button between her boobs.
Woman patient: "Doctor I was suffering so much that I wanted to die." Doctor: "You did the right thing to call me."
Chuck Norris can make a turtle go faster.