Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
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Chuck Norris doesn't have a beard by choice, even the jaws of life can't cut it.
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The cop got out of his car and the kid, who was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.
“I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said.
The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Three guys talk in a bar.
Two discuss how they are king in their castles and how much their wives respect them.
The third guy remains quiet.
Finally, one guy turns to the quiet guy and asks, "What about you?
Do you rule your roost?"
The quiet guy says, "Well, just the other night, my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
"What happened then?" they ask.
"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"
Why do women fart after they take a piss?
Because they can't shake it, so they blow dry it.
Q: How do you circumcise a whale?
A: With four skin-divers.
Q: Chuck Norris invented the internet?
A: Just so he had a place to store his porn.
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Q:What's the most dangerous job in America?
A: The graveyard shift at a KFC in the projects.
Yo momma so nasty i had phone sex with her and she gave me an earinfection.
Chuck Norris does not submit to homeland security, he IS homeland security.
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