A blonde has sharp pains in her side. The doctor examines her and says, "You have acute appendicitis." The blonde says, "That's sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help."
According to the police, if you hold your purse by the strap and under your arm, nothing will ever happen to you.... Unless your name happens to be Bruce.
A local charity organization realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the donation seeker mumbled, "Um ... no." The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The person coming for donation began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "or that my sister`s husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer`s voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The person who came asking for donation felt completely humiliated and said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don`t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
How do you know if a man is lying? His lips are moving!
How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1001.....1 to hold the light bulb and 1000 to turn the house.
Two old ladies are in a restaurant. One complains, "You know, the food here is just terrible." The other shakes her head and adds, "And such small portions."
Fred and DooDah go to their favorite lake to fish. After getting out on the water, DooDah hooks a huge fish, which pulls him overboard, and he drowns. Fred is brokenhearted and goes to tell DooDah's wife the news. She opens the door and hears Fred sing: "Guess who drowned in the lake today? DooDah! DooDah!"
I sent my young son to pick up ice cream, I handed him some money and a coupon. Later he came home with the ice cream and the coupon. When I asked him what happened, he replied, “Mom I had enough money. I didn’t need the coupon.”
Q: How can you tell the difference between a straight rodeo and a gay rodeo? A: At a straight rodeo they yell "Ride them suckers!"
Q: Where does your nose go, when it gets hungry? A: Booger King!!!