Best jokes ever

Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The barmaid came over to take their orders. "And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?" The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, "I will have a glass of plasma." The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light."
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What do you call a chicken that crosses the road without looking both ways? "Dead."
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He was so mean he used to give his children £1 each instead of an evening meal, then charged them £2 for breakfast.
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I saw a tramp who was so broke he was standing on the corner shouting, ‘Will work for cardboard and a magic marker!’
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Two crocks rest on the basin of a zoo talking: Yesterday, the caretaker cursed me, said the older one. What did you do? Asks the other. - I’ve swallowed him...
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Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
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Our house was so small if we got a large pizza we had to go outside to eat it.
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What do you get when you have sex with a pregnant woman? A baby with a black eye!
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Zenophobia: the irrational fear of convergent sequences.
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A Lady calls the airline office in New York and asks, "How long does it take to fly to Hawaii?" The clerk says to her, "Just a second." The woman says "Thank you", and hangs up.
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