Three vampires went into a bar and sat down.
The barmaid came over to take their orders.
"And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?"
The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood."
The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood."
The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, "I will have a glass of plasma."
The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light."
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road without looking both ways?
"Dead."
He was so mean he used to give his children £1 each instead of an evening meal, then charged them £2 for breakfast.
I saw a tramp who was so broke he was standing on the corner shouting, ‘Will work for cardboard and a magic marker!’
Two crocks rest on the basin of a zoo talking:
Yesterday, the caretaker cursed me, said the older one.
What did you do?
Asks the other. - I’ve swallowed him...
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
Our house was so small if we got a large pizza we had to go outside to eat it.
What do you get when you have sex with a pregnant woman?
A baby with a black eye!
Zenophobia: the irrational fear of convergent sequences.
A Lady calls the airline office in New York and asks, "How long does it take to fly to Hawaii?"
The clerk says to her, "Just a second."
The woman says "Thank you", and hangs up.