How do you call a Triceratops with horns on his butt?
Tricera-bottoms.
A retiree said to his 80 year old friend, “It it true you’re getting married?”
“Sure is.”
“Have I met her?”
“I don't think so.”
“Is she attractive?”
“Won't win any beauty contests.”
“Can she cook?”
“Can't even boil an egg.”
“Is she rich?”
“Rich? Heck, she's so poor she can't even pay attention.”
“She must be great in the sack then?”
“I haven't actually found out.”
“My God, man, why are you marrying her?”
“She can still drive.”
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A motorcycle cop pulls over a driver.
‘Have you been drinking, sir?’ says the cop.
‘Why?’ says the driver.
‘Is there a fat chick in my car?’
What time does Andy Murray go to his bed?
Ten-ish.
What’s the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?
Drunks don’t have to go to the meetings.
There were three guys in a bar boasting about the amount of control they have over their wives after getting drunk.
One said my wife never says no to me, the second one says my wife always says yes to me.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed.
"What happened then?"
They asked.
She said, "get out from under the bed and fight like a man".
Q:Why did the woman cross the road?
A I don't know, the real question is, why was she out of the kitchen?
A man was shipwrecked with his dog and a sheep on a tiny island in the middle of nowhere.
Everytime the man moved close to the sheep, his dog would snarl and growl at him.
One day while walking the island he discovered a lovely naked lady who also had just become marooned.
"Finally, some company!" he thought.
While sitting on the shore and the watching the sunset with his new female friend, he slowly leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Hey, could you go walk the dog?"
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Yo' Mama's breath is so nasty, it makes onions cry.
Q: How do you make a cat go ‘woof’?
A: Soak it in petrol, and set it on fire.
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