John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?" "No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?" John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him -- he's just a wise guy when he's drunk and stoned." Brian from the back seat said, "I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!" At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
A guy is sitting at the bar watching the game and enjoying his beer. Another guy strolls over and they begin to converse. After a while the second asks if he had ever played "beer football?" He said no, and asked how to play. "Well, if you chug a beer, you get 6 points, and if you bend over and fart, you get an extra point." So, the second guy starts off by chugging his beer and farting. The first man chugged his beer with ease, and when he bent over to fart, the second guy came up and kicked him in the butt and exclaimed, "BLOCK THE KICK!"
Why beer goes through your system so fast? Because it does not have to stop to change color.
What do you give a cat for its birthday? A catologue.
Your Mommas so fat the last time she saw 90210 was on a scale!
I know a lady who blew her man's jimmy off because he wanted to be down with O.P.P. Now he down with No P.P.
What time does Andy Murray go to his bed? Ten-ish.
Yo momma’s so stupid, she thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet.
I’ve just come into some money. I wonder if they’ll still accept it at the shop?
Q. Why is it okay for dumb blonde's to catch cold? A. They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.