Best jokes ever

Lady, how many sex partners have you had? Three.. oh no, wait... nine - I have forgotten one case.

"Have you heard my knock-knock joke?" asked the blonde. "No," said the brunette. "Okay," said the blonde, "you start."

The Beatles originally sang "All you need is Chuck Norris".

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

"Hey Jaeger, are you enjoying that apple?" "Sure, why do you ask." "I was going to offer you some toast." "How kind of... I'll accept." "Great, but what's toast without any butter Jaeger." "You're right about that!" "Well give me a few seconds, let me go scrape some off of your mother's teeth!"

Q: What's the difference between an Aboriginal and a park bench? A: The park bench can support a family of five but the Aboriginal can't.

A guy says, "Doc, you gotta help me. Every time I fart, it sounds like, "Honda." The doctor says, "You say, 'Honda?'" "No," the guy says. "My farts do." So, the doctor says, "OK, open your mouth," and looks inside. After about two minutes, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, I can't help you, you need to go see a dentist." The guy says, "Why a dentist?" The doctor says, "Because you have an absessed tooth." The guy says, "What the hell does that have to do with my condition?" The doctor says, "Well, didn't you know? Absess makes the farts go Honda!"

Husband to wife: ‘You have a flat chest and hairy legs. Tell me, have you ever been mistaken for a man?’ ‘No,’ replies his wife. ‘Have you?’

What's the fastest thing in the world? A beer truck driving through an Indian reserve. What's the second fastest thing in the world? The Indians running after it.

A blonde is on holiday and she wallks into an internet cafe to send an e-mail to her mum in America. She doesn't know how to work the computers so she goes up to the guy on the desk and says: "Excuse me could you help me send an e-mail to my mum?" The guy says "Yeh, but it will cost ya" And the blonde says "Sure i'll do anything for my mum" The guy says: "In that case follow me" So she follows him into the back room and he pushes her down onto her knees, he unzips his trousers and pulls down his boxers and says: "Well go on then you said you'd do anything!" So she picks up his dick, holds it to her mouth and says: "Hello.........mum are you there?"