A drunk phones the police to report that thieves have been in his car.
‘They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator,’ he cries out…
‘Oh hang on.
I’m in the back seat.’
You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life?
In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
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When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge.
The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal.
When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback blew his top.
How many times can you do this to us in a single game?" he screamed.
"You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter."
The official just stared.
The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game.
"What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that you STINK!"
The official stared a few more seconds.
Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down.
He turned to face the steaming quarterback.
The official finally replied, "And how do I smell from here?"
Q: What did Jesus tell the Mexicans just before he died?
A: Act stupid until I get back.
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What do you call a man with a rabbit up his jumper?
Warren.
Barcelona beats every team in the world, Chuck Norris can beat Barcelona... by himself.
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Chuck Norris was supposed to be in the movie Halloween but the director thought it would be kind of stupid for Michael Meyers to stab himself in fear.
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Once Chuck Norris rubbed a magical lamp, nothing came out.
The genie ain't stupid.
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When Chuck Norris went to Easter island, he couldn't understand why other tourists kept asking him to pose for photos next to the stone monoliths.
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