2 people walk into a bar.
The third one ducked.
In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.
There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players.
An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.
This guy calls his wife at work and says, "Don't worry, I'm fine and the damage is minimal."
She says, "Oh my gosh, what happened?"
He says, "I was coming back from lunch and a bird hit my car windshield."
"How much damage did it do?" she asked.
"Minimal, however I did get a ticket."
"A ticket how did you get that?"
"Well, I managed to reach the bird through the window and throw it behind me, however it hit the windshield of the car behind me.
It was a highway patrol car and the officer gave me a ticket."
"What for?" she asked, "Damaging his windshield?"
"No, for flipping him the bird!"
Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.
What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, it turned itself in.
What do you call a woman that works like a man??
Lazy.
How do you know if your man is dead?
The sex is the same, but there's less ironing.
When is the best time to fake an orgasm?
When a rottweiler is humping your leg.
Having lawyers make laws is like having doctors make diseases.