Question: How do you fix a woman’s watch?
Answer: You don’t.
There’s a clock on the stove.
‘Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital.
They lay there and looked at each other.
Their families came and took them away.
Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other.
One of them looked at the other and said, “So, what did you think?”’
Steven Wright
Did you hear about the new ‘morning after’ pill for men?
It changes their blood type.
Santa Clause, The Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy were all real at one time... then they met Chuck.
There can only be 1 living legend.
Vote:
Q: Do you know why infinity goes on forever?
A: Because it knows Chuck Norris is waiting for it at the end.
Vote:
There is a 1000 niggers and one white guy, what is the white guy called?
Warden.
Vote:
Wife to husband: ‘I need a new dress.’
Husband: ‘What’s wrong with the dress you’ve got?’
Wife: ‘It’s too long and the veil keeps getting in my eyes.’
Yo Mama so fat her BMI is measured in acres.
What's black and white, black and white, and black and white?
(A panda bear rolling down a hill!)
Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a "marriage of the 90's" -- equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed.
Jill wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however.
She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "Poached?
I wanted scrambled!" Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg.
Jill wasn't having any of it.
"Do you think I don't like variety?
I wanted poached this morning!"