Three vampires walk into a bar.
The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."
The second one says, "I'll have one, too."
The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."
The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"
A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."
The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair.
He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.
The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"
The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
If you owe the bank $100, that's your problem.
If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem.
A grasshopper walks into a pub, pulls up a stool, and orders beer.
The bartender gives him a mug and says, "you know, we have a drink named after you."
And the grasshopper replies, "you have a drink named Bob?"
Q. Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A. She kept having affairs with men!
Q: What's the difference between a bullet and a Jew?
A: A bullet actually comes out of its chamber.
How come niggers don’t drive convertible cars?
Because they’re lips would wave on the wind and stick on their faces.
Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on.
It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal.
"I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy.
"Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.
Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge.
The second guy hands the first guy the money.
"I can't take your money," said the first guy.
"I cheated you.
The same story was on the five o'clock news."
"No, no.
Take it," said the second guy.
"I saw the five o'clock news too.
I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"
A regular at Bob's Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful.
"Whoa, Sam!" said the bartender.
"Who gave those beauties to you?"
"Nobody gave them to me," said Sam.
"I had to fight like crazy for both of them."
A drunk guy in Alaska decides to go ice fishing.
He starts sawing a hole in the ice, when a loud booming voice says, "You will find no fish there."
The drunk looks up, ignores it, and continues on.
The voice booms again, "You will find no fish under the ice."
The drunk looks up and says, "God, is that you?"
The voice says, "No, I'm the manager of this ice rink."