Tom is walking home from the pub late one night when he takes a short cut across a cow field.
Halfway across he drops his hat.
He has to try on fifty others before he finds it again.
A man who goes into the pub optimistically often comes out misty optically.
Last year I told the kids there was no Father Christmas, this year I’m telling the wife.
My uncle is very mean.
I went round the other day and found him stripping the wallpaper.
He wasn’t redecorating, he was moving.
Mortal: What is a million years like to you? God: Like one second.
Mortal: What is a million pounds like to you?
God: Like one penny.
Mortal: Can I have a penny?
God: Just a second…
Q: What's the difference between a bullet and a Jew?
A: A bullet actually comes out of its chamber.
How come niggers don’t drive convertible cars?
Because they’re lips would wave on the wind and stick on their faces.
Q: How many niggers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: There are no light bulbs in Africa.
Vote:
Three guys were standing at the top of the Empire State Building in NYC.
The first guy says to the second, "You know, the wind currents are so strong here in NYC that one could step off the edge of the building and literally float in mid-air due to the upward thrust of the thermal air current."
"No way, man, you’re crazy," said the second guy to the first.
So the first guy steps off the edge of the building and justs floats in mid-air for about 20 seconds and then returns to the roof of the building.
The second guy is simply thrilled and says, "watch me do that" as he steps from the edge roof into the open air.
Of course he falls like a stone straight down all the way to the waiting pavement below–SPLAT!
The third guy, who has remained quiet the entire time, leans over to the first guy and say, "You know something Superman, sometimes you can be a real a*shole!"
Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on.
It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal.
"I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy.
"Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.
Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge.
The second guy hands the first guy the money.
"I can't take your money," said the first guy.
"I cheated you.
The same story was on the five o'clock news."
"No, no.
Take it," said the second guy.
"I saw the five o'clock news too.
I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"