A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer.
As he sits there, the jar of nuts on the bar tells him what a nice shirt he is wearing.
Disturbed by this, he goes to the cigarette vending machine to buy a pack of smokes.
As he approaches the machine, it starts screaming and shouting at him.
He runs to the bar and explains this to the barman.
The barman apologizes and says "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order"!
After a heavy night at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel.
He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite.
Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed.
"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel." "I insist on another room!!!" said the drunk.
"Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 525.
Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.
"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."
When Chuck Norris opens a bag of Doritos, it's fucking full!
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Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin.
Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
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Q: What do women and cats have in common?
A: Pussy farts.
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Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
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Awwww, kids. They blow up so fast...
Get it, kids grow up so fast.
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Bruce Lee didn't die from an allergic reaction.
He died cause Chuck Norris decided to not let him live anymore.
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Chuck Norris doesn't run for President; the President runs for Vice God Chuck Norris.
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What's red and lies in all four corners of the room?
A baby that's been playing with a chainsaw.
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