Chuck Norris built Rome with a box of scraps.
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Death once took Chuck Norris.
He regreted it.
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Kids dream about having superpowers.
Superpowers dream about having Chuck Norris.
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Chuck norris can control chaos.
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Men are like.....Weather.
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
There was an old man named Bill, and one of the things he most enjoyed was playing golf with his old buddy Fred.
Bill's wife always commented on how happy he looked after a game.
But one day he came home from their weekly game looking terrible and very tired.
His wife asked, "What's the matter, Bill?
You always seem so happy after golf and you look miserable right now."
Bill said, "Well, something terrible happened.
Fred had a heart attack on the first hole."
"My God, honey!" said the wife, rushing to comfort him.
"That must've been terrible!"
"It was," he said.
"All day long it was: hit the ball, drag Fred to the ball, and then hit it again..."
A drunk walks up to a barkeeper one day and says, "If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?"
The Barkeep says "Depends on how good of a trick it is."
The Drunk reaches into his pocket and pulls out a frog and places him behind the piano.
The frog starts to play the sweetest jazz riff the barkeeper has ever heard.
He pours the drunk his drink.
The drunk, after killing his drink says, "If I show you another trick can I have another free one?"
The barkeep says "If it is anything like that last one, you can drink free all night."
The drunk reaches into his other pocket, pulls out a rat, sets it on top of the piano, and the rat starts scatting along with the frog."
Impressed, the barkeeper starts to pour drinks as fast as the drunk can drink 'em.
After several hours, a big time Hollywood agent walks in, sees the act and franticaly asks the barkeeper who it belongs to.
The barkeeper points to the drunk who is passed out on the floor.
The agent wakes him up and says,
"I will give you 1 Million dollars for that act."
The drunks says "not for sale". The agent says, "Ok, 100 grand for just the scating rat."
The drunk say, "deal" The agent writes the check and leaves with the rat.
The barkeeper looks at the drunk and says,
"Are you nuts?
You had a Million dollar act that you just broke up for a whimpy 100 g's?"
The Drunk says, "Relax, the frog is a vantriliqist."
A state trooper stopped at a little cafe for coffee. As he was getting ready to leave a patron of the cafe yelled out, "Go out and get 'em!" he said.
"I suppose everyone's going to get a ticket today?"
"I don't really give out many tickets," the cop said.
"Oh, come on," the man teased.
"You'd give your own mother a ticket."
"No, my mother never drove a car," said the trooper.
Then a grin spread over his face.
"But I did catch her jaywalking once," he said, "and I issued her a warning.
But that's all."
What is black and white and red all over?
(A panda bear with a sunburn!)