Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
A leprechaun walks into a bar.
After several pitchers of beer, the leprechaun runs over to a large, mean-looking guy, sticks out his tongue and spits all his legs.
The guy reaches out to grab the leprechaun, only to miss him as he jumps back to his seat.
"If you know what's good for you, don't come near me again, or I'll rip off your little tallywagger," yells the mean-looking guy.
After a few more pitchers, the leprechaun runs over to the mean-looking guy, sticks out his tongue and spits all over his legs again.
This time, the guy successfully catches the leprechaun.
"All right, I've got you this time.
I warned you -- now I'm gonna rip off your little tallywagger!"
The leprechaun laughs, "You can't do that."
"Why not?" asks his captor.
"Because," giggles the leprechaun, "leprechauns don't have tallywaggers."
"Whadda ya mean you don't have a tallywagger?" growls the angry man, "How in the hell do you pee?"
"Just like this," laughs the leprechaun as he sticks out his tongue and spits.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.'
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and restart.
Order shall return.
Chuck Norris sent a e-mail through the postal service.
Vote:
Two tomatoes are trying to pass the street.
Suddenly, the one screams to the other: "CAR!"
(splash)
"WHERE?"
(splash)
Q: Why did the fat turkey cross the road?
A: To get hit by my car.
Chuck Norris is the only one who doesn't have to tell PayPal to switch the funding source to his credit card.
Vote:
Yo momma is so stupid when they asked her 1+1 she said "Ouch! it is a long story."