A man takes a beautiful blonde to his apartment. They're kissing in the elevator when she feels something in his pocket. "What is that?" she asks. "Those are my golf balls." "Is that like tennis elbow?"
Q: How can you tell when a man is dead? A: He stays stiff for more than two minutes.
What a barman! When I asked for something tall, cold and full of gin, he called his wife out.
Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
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There’s no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
He doesn’t like to drink. It’s just something to do while he gets drunk.
I drink to steady my nerves. Last night I got so steady I couldn’t move.
It’s night and a drunk is crawling along the pavement looking for something. A passer-by offers to help and asks what’s missing. The drunk replies that he’s lost his watch. ‘And where abouts did you lose it?’ asks the passer-by. ‘About half a mile up the road,’ replies the drunk. ‘So why are you doing down here?’ asks the passer-by. The drunk replies, ‘Down here the lighting is better.’
‘He’s spending a year dead for tax purposes.’ Douglas Adams