What are cat-erpillars afraid of?
Dog-erpillars.
A woman goes to her bank with a cheque from her husband.
The cashier tells her it has to be endorsed, so she writes on the back, ‘My husband is a wonderful man.’
What does a frog say when it sees something' great?
Toadly awesome!
An actuary priced an automobile ‘fire and theft’ policy with an extremely low premium.
When asked why it was so cheap, he said, ‘Who’d steal a burnt car?’
Two drunks are walking down the street when they come across a dog, sitting on the kerb, licking its privates.
They watch for a while before one of them says, ‘I sure wish I could do that!’
The other looks at him and says, ‘Wouldn’t you like to make friends with him first?’‘
Why do they bury lawyers in 20ft holes?
Because deep down they’re all really nice guys.
He drank like a fish.
Which would have been okay if he’d drunk what the fish drinks.
Q: How does David Beckham change a light bulb?
A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him.
Golf: A five-mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
A drunk falls into one of the fountains in Trafalgar Square.
Floundering around, he looks up and sees Nelson standing on his column.
‘Don’t jump!’ he shouts.
‘This is the shallow end!’