Yo momma’s so ugly, when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours – for a quote!
How do you kill half of Ethiopia?
Throw a piece of bread off a cliff.
How do you kill the other half?
Tell them it still has not been eaten.
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Anyone want to try the ALS gas bucket challenge HMU.
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I came downstairs this morning and my wife asked me what I wanted for breakfast.
So I said, ‘Eggs, bacon, fried bread and mushrooms.’
At least that’s what I meant to say.
What I actually said was, ‘You’ve ruined my life, you fat ugly witch.’
When a woman found out that she was pregnant, she lit up the phone lines telling everyone the good news.
One day later that week, she took her 4 year old son, Sam, out shopping.
A woman asked the boy if he was excited about the baby.
"Yes", he said. "I know what we're going to name it.
If it is a girl, we're calling her Molly and if it is a boy, we're going to call it quits.
Baby, at midnight we celebrate one year from the last time you kissed me.
Look how time files!
Host migration is Chuck Norris pausing multiplayer.
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When you were in the gang then, you just had to look cool, just walk around and look like you were tough.
Someone started talking about fighting -- 'No, man, I've got to go home.'
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Chuck Norris checks under his bed for Fedor Emelianenko because he takes Fedor to the vet regularly.
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My wife is so kinky, when she was born, the doctor slapped her bottom to make her cry, and she said "Don't forget to pull my hair" I accidentally swallowed some WhiteOut last night.
Woke up with a massive correction.