What do you call a bear with no teeth, a gummy bear!
Why did the captain lose the yacht race?
He found himself in a no-wind situation.
What’s the best way to stop water coming into your house?
Don’t pay the water bill.
An old miser comes into the bank with a huge bag of coins.
‘Gracious,’ says the bank teller.
‘Did you hoard all that yourself?’
‘No,’ replies the miser.
‘My sister whored most of it.’
The cop said, ‘Pull over!’
I said, ‘No, cardigan, but thanks for noticing!’
What’s the difference between an aerobics instructor and a torturer?
The torturer would apologize first.
How do you keep a blonde busy all day?
Write ‘Please turn over’ on both sides of a piece of paper.
He was so mean he had the house sound-proofed so the children wouldn’t be able to hear the ice cream van.
How do you confuse a frog?
Put it in a round bowl and tell it to take a nap in the corner.
A boxer is whining to the doctor that he can’t sleep.
I won’t give you any drugs, you don’t need any.
Use the classical method, the one with counting the sheep’s.
I tried.
But, every time I get to 9 I jump off the bed.