What do you call a bear with no teeth, a gummy bear!
A frail little old lady walked up to a cop and said, "I was attacked! I was attacked!"
The cop said, "When?"
She said, "Twenty-three years ago."
The cop said, "What are you telling me now for?"
The little old lady said, "I just like to talk about it once in a while."
What usually happens when a man puts his best foot forward?
It ends up in his mouth.
Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
What do you call ten lawyers buried up to their necks in the sand?
Football practice.
Why did the captain lose the yacht race?
He found himself in a no-wind situation.
What’s the best way to stop water coming into your house?
Don’t pay the water bill.
An old miser comes into the bank with a huge bag of coins.
‘Gracious,’ says the bank teller.
‘Did you hoard all that yourself?’
‘No,’ replies the miser.
‘My sister whored most of it.’
The cop said, ‘Pull over!’
I said, ‘No, cardigan, but thanks for noticing!’
What’s the difference between an aerobics instructor and a torturer?
The torturer would apologize first.