Best jokes ever

I came downstairs this morning and my wife asked me what I wanted for breakfast. So I said, ‘Eggs, bacon, fried bread and mushrooms.’ At least that’s what I meant to say. What I actually said was, ‘You’ve ruined my life, you fat ugly witch.’
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has 27.66 % from 32 votes. More jokes about: marriage
When a woman found out that she was pregnant, she lit up the phone lines telling everyone the good news. One day later that week, she took her 4 year old son, Sam, out shopping. A woman asked the boy if he was excited about the baby. "Yes", he said. "I know what we're going to name it. If it is a girl, we're calling her Molly and if it is a boy, we're going to call it quits.
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has 27.66 % from 32 votes. More jokes about: phone, women
Host migration is Chuck Norris pausing multiplayer.
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has 27.61 % from 35 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris
When you were in the gang then, you just had to look cool, just walk around and look like you were tough. Someone started talking about fighting -- 'No, man, I've got to go home.'
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has 27.61 % from 35 votes. More jokes about: black humor
Baby, at midnight we celebrate one year from the last time you kissed me. Look how time files!
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has 27.61 % from 35 votes. More jokes about: life, time
Chuck Norris checks under his bed for Fedor Emelianenko because he takes Fedor to the vet regularly.
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has 27.61 % from 35 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, doctor
My wife is so kinky, when she was born, the doctor slapped her bottom to make her cry, and she said "Don't forget to pull my hair" I accidentally swallowed some WhiteOut last night. Woke up with a massive correction.
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has 27.61 % from 152 votes. More jokes about: doctor, sex, wife
Q: What did the pedophile say when he was released from prison? A: "I feel like a kid again."
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has 27.60 % from 78 votes. More jokes about: age, disgusting, prison
Lenin dies and goes to Saint Peter to tell him whether to go to hell or heaven. There was a big problem among the saints because the half of them wanted him to hell and the other half in Paradise. Then they asked God, who of course tells them to go to Hell. After a week of being in hell, devil visited St. Peter and complained: "This Lenin will destroy me. One week in Hell only and he has already started their courses and demonstrations." St. Peter much forced agrees to accept Lenin in Paradise. From that day and then there was a disturbing silence. After two months St. Peter goes to heaven and he sees what? Everyone sitting around and Lenin standing in the middle and talking. Among the distinguished listeners the Saint recognises Jesus Christ. He calls him and says: "God will punish you" And he answers: "Who? God? But God does not exist."
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has 27.59 % from 44 votes. More jokes about: celebrity, death, heaven, life
Chuck Norris once drank wine from a chalice. This chalice is now known as the holy grail.
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has 27.58 % from 38 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, religious, wine
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