I drink to steady my nerves. Last night I got so steady I couldn’t move.
It’s night and a drunk is crawling along the pavement looking for something. A passer-by offers to help and asks what’s missing. The drunk replies that he’s lost his watch. ‘And where abouts did you lose it?’ asks the passer-by. ‘About half a mile up the road,’ replies the drunk. ‘So why are you doing down here?’ asks the passer-by. The drunk replies, ‘Down here the lighting is better.’
‘He’s spending a year dead for tax purposes.’ Douglas Adams
Why has Guinness got a white head on it? So when you’re drunk you know which end to start on.
A husband gives his wife a complete mink outfit for her birthday – a 12-bore shotgun and some traps.
He drank so much beer that when he ate a peanut you could hear the splash.
What would you call a drunk who works at an upholstery shop? A recovering alcoholic.
Three guys were standing at the top of the Empire State Building in NYC. The first guy says to the second, "You know, the wind currents are so strong here in NYC that one could step off the edge of the building and literally float in mid-air due to the upward thrust of the thermal air current." "No way, man, you’re crazy," said the second guy to the first. So the first guy steps off the edge of the building and justs floats in mid-air for about 20 seconds and then returns to the roof of the building. The second guy is simply thrilled and says, "watch me do that" as he steps from the edge roof into the open air. Of course he falls like a stone straight down all the way to the waiting pavement below–SPLAT! The third guy, who has remained quiet the entire time, leans over to the first guy and say, "You know something Superman, sometimes you can be a real a*shole!"
What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you? Run, 'cause she's got a grenade in her mouth!
Q: What is a man's idea of a balanced diet A: A Budweiser in each hand!