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There’s no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
He doesn’t like to drink.
It’s just something to do while he gets drunk.
I drink to steady my nerves.
Last night I got so steady I couldn’t move.
It’s night and a drunk is crawling along the pavement looking for something.
A passer-by offers to help and asks what’s missing.
The drunk replies that he’s lost his watch.
‘And where abouts did you lose it?’ asks the passer-by.
‘About half a mile up the road,’ replies the drunk.
‘So why are you doing down here?’ asks the passer-by.
The drunk replies, ‘Down here the lighting is better.’
‘He’s spending a year dead for tax purposes.’
Douglas Adams
Why has Guinness got a white head on it?
So when you’re drunk you know which end to start on.
A husband gives his wife a complete mink outfit for her birthday – a 12-bore shotgun and some traps.
He drank so much beer that when he ate a peanut you could hear the splash.
What would you call a drunk who works at an upholstery shop?
A recovering alcoholic.