Best jokes ever

I got this antique watch from my grandfather on his deathbed – he put up one hell of a fight for it.
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He was a colourful boxer. Black and blue all over.
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"Yes, ma'am," the old salt confided to the inquisitive lady, "I fell over the side of the ship, and a shark he come along and grabbed me by the leg." "Merciful providence!" his hearer gasped. "And what did you do?" "Let 'im 'ave the leg, o' course, ma'am. I never argues with sharks."
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My uncle is very mean. I went round the other day and found him stripping the wallpaper. He wasn’t redecorating, he was moving.
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Q: What do you call a cow that's had an abortion? A: De-calf-i-nated.
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Why do men buy electric lawn mowers? So they can find their way back to the house.
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What's the difference between a man and a messy room? You can straighten up a messy room.
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Harry applies for a job at a finance company, the manager tells him the job is his if he can crack their toughest account. Harry goes off and comes back two hours later having recovered the entire amount. ‘Amazing!’ says the manager. ‘How did you do it?’ ‘Easy,’ replies Harry. ‘I said that if he didn’t pay us, I’d tell all his other creditors he had.’
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Jesus saves. But wouldn’t it have been better if he had invested?
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Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water? He set a new lap record.
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