Q: What's the Internet's favorite animal? A: The lynx.
The Captain called the Sergeant in. “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones’ mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me.” So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. “Listen up, men,” says the Sergeant. “Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander.” Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. “Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn’t you be a bit more tactful, next time?” “Yes, sir,” answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath’s mother died. You’d better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful.” So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. “Ok, men, fall in and listen up.” “Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward.” “Not so fast, McGrath!”
Why do blondes clean their hair in the sink? Because that’s where your supposed to wash vegetables.
The wages of sin are death – but after taxes and NI contributions you’ll just end up feeling a bit tired.
Me: Hey look its Nemo! Worker: Sir, that's a clown fish. Me: Bitch, that's a Nemo!
How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling? She’s got that down-in-the-mouth look.
What’s harder to do than nailing a baby to a tree? Nailing it to a dead puppy.
I love cats – they taste just like chicken.
Born free. Taxed to death. A man goes into a shop to get his wife a present. He points out a bottle of perfume and asks
What is the definition of revenge? A baby with a dog in its mouth.