A bear walks into a pub, and takes a huge bite out of the bar. ‘Get out!’ shouts the barman. ‘We don’t serve druggies.’ ‘But I’m not a druggie,’ replies the puzzled bear. ‘Yeah? Then what about the bar bit you ate?’
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
Why did the football coach flood the pitch? Because he wanted to bring on the sub!
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."
A team of doctors attended the delivery of quintuplets who were able to walk immediately after the umbilical cords were cut. The senior doctor was asked to explain this unusual occurrence. ‘I guess they had a lot of practice,’ said the doctor. ‘What do you mean, “practice”?’ asked a junior colleague. ‘They were just born!’ The doctor replied, ‘Well, it was standing womb only.’
I'm thinking about opening a summer camp for jewish kids with adhd and dyslexia, I'm gonna call it Concentration camp.
A couple of Yogi Berra's team mates on the Yankees ball club swear that one night the stocky catcher was horrified to see a baby toppling off the roof of a cottage across the way from him. Yogi dashed over and made a miraculous catch - but then force of habit proved too much for him. He straightened up and threw the baby to second base.
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but he is never around when you need him.
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus the clowns don't talk.
Q: What did the bird say after his cage fell apart? A: "Cheap, cheap!"