Best jokes ever

An actuary priced an automobile ‘fire and theft’ policy with an extremely low premium. When asked why it was so cheap, he said, ‘Who’d steal a burnt car?’
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Two drunks are walking down the street when they come across a dog, sitting on the kerb, licking its privates. They watch for a while before one of them says, ‘I sure wish I could do that!’ The other looks at him and says, ‘Wouldn’t you like to make friends with him first?’‘
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Why do they bury lawyers in 20ft holes? Because deep down they’re all really nice guys.
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Q: How does David Beckham change a light bulb? A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him.
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Golf: A five-mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
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A drunk falls into one of the fountains in Trafalgar Square. Floundering around, he looks up and sees Nelson standing on his column. ‘Don’t jump!’ he shouts. ‘This is the shallow end!’
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I got this antique watch from my grandfather on his deathbed – he put up one hell of a fight for it.
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He was a colourful boxer. Black and blue all over.
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"Yes, ma'am," the old salt confided to the inquisitive lady, "I fell over the side of the ship, and a shark he come along and grabbed me by the leg." "Merciful providence!" his hearer gasped. "And what did you do?" "Let 'im 'ave the leg, o' course, ma'am. I never argues with sharks."
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My uncle is very mean. I went round the other day and found him stripping the wallpaper. He wasn’t redecorating, he was moving.
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