A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink.
After a few more he needs to go to the can.
He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying,
"I spat in this beer, do not drink!".
After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"
Q: Why did the fat turkey cross the road?
A: To get hit by my car.
Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their jobs.
One guy says, ''I'm a YUPPIE...ya know...Young, Urban, Professional.
The second guy says, ''I'm a DINK ...ya know...Double Income No Kids.''
They asked the woman, ''What are you?''
She replied... ''I'm a WIFE...ya know... WASH, IRON, FUCK, ETC.''
Q: What is the difference between a puppy and a man?
A: Eventually the puppy will grow up and stop whining.
Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.
Yo mama's so fat, when she farted pluto's ice caps melted.
Q:What happened when Smokey the Bear started the forest fire?
A: He got arrested just like you would've.
What's green with red spots?
A frog with the chicken pox!
Q: What do a bungee jump cord and a hooker have in common?
A: If the rubber breaks you're screwed.
The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."