The Dove Bar's like an 80-pound wad of chocolate on a toothpick. If you're not careful when you take it out of the package, you'll snap your wrists.
Doc, isn't it harmful to drink a shot before eating? No it's not, if you don't eat too often..
David: Why did the broom get a poor grade in school? Dan: I don’t know. Why? David: Because it was always sweeping during class!
There are two types of ostriches - Grey and Blue. Grey ones scared hide their head in the sand. The Blue ones sit in the bushes waiting for this moment.
Remember your wife is a romantic who still loves flowers and chocolates. Show her you remember as well by referring to them occasionally.
Chuck Norris actually went to Rome by all roads. At the same time.
What is the difference between a blonde and a washing machine? A washing machine doesn't follow you around for three weeks after you dump your load into it.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?" The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking. "You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have." The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?" The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."
What do you call a dinosaur drinking Tequila? Tyrannosaurus Mex.