Why did the frog cross the street?
Because the chicken crossed the road.
"I felt a lump in my mouth as the ball went in." - Terry Venables.
It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice.
He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.
"No" says the neighbor.
"The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man.
"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?"
The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me.
I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.
That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."
Why couldn't the skunk use her phone?
It was out of odor!
John it’s alright muttering a few words in the church and finding yourself married, but if you mutter a few words in your sleep you might find yourself divorced.
Have you heard about the new aftershave that drives women crazy?
No!
Tell me about it.
It smells of $50 dollar bills.
So...I had this rabbit that died of heatstroke after a week and I didn't have a time to name it.
So after it died and was on my lap the name came to me...I'll call it floppy!
Two men are sitting at a bar, slowly sipping their drinks.
After a while, the first man approaches the other man, and sits next to him.
"This place is great, isn't it?" he asks.
The second man, somewhat surprised at the stranger's remark, replies, "Why do you say that?"
The first man, in a low tone of voice, responds, "Follow me."
The two of them walk over to a large window at the end of the room.
The window faces out onto the street, 12 floors below.
"Here's why."
The first man throws open the window, and boldly steps out into thin air.
But he remains aloft!
"The air currents are great here!" he exclaims. "It's very relaxing."
He floats back into the room.
As his feet return to the bar-room floor, he invites the second man to try it.
The second man, skeptical, peers out through the window - down to the pavement twelve stories below.
He looks to either side, and finally up above, to see if there was anything holding the first man up.
Convinced that it was no trickery, the second man swallows, closes his eyes, and steps out into thin air.
He promptly falls twelve stories to the pavement below.
The first man grins and returns to the bar.
Looking rather irritated, the barkeep comes over to the place where the man sits.
"You know," he says, disgusted.
"You're a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman."
The little snail begs for his mother:
Mother, please let me pass the rail road!
Thunder dear, not now.
In five hours the train passes.
The cops must be after you, because it's illegal to look that good.