A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife... When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
A Yankee walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a cosmopolitan. The bartender looks at the man and says, "You're not from 'round here are ya?" "No" replies the man, "I'm from New Hampshire." The bartender looks at him and says, "Well what do you do in New Hampshire?" "I'm a taxidermist," says the man. The bartender looks bewildered, so the man explains, "I mount dead animals." The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar, "It's OK, boys! He's one of us!"
The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.
Did you hear about the gypsy who won the Lottery? He got paid in travellers’ cheques.
Golf: A five-mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
He was a colourful boxer. Black and blue all over.
Have you seen the offices of the RSPCA? It’s tiny; you couldn’t swing a cat in there.
Yo mamma’s so big, when she gets outside the house people start screaming: “Freak!”
Men are like.....Department Stores. Their clothes should always be half off.