I hate paying my income tax. You should be a good citizen - why don't you pay with a smile? I'd like to but they insist on money!
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."
"Yes, ma'am," the old salt confided to the inquisitive lady, "I fell over the side of the ship, and a shark he come along and grabbed me by the leg." "Merciful providence!" his hearer gasped. "And what did you do?" "Let 'im 'ave the leg, o' course, ma'am. I never argues with sharks."
Why did the frog read Sherlock Holmes? He liked a good croak and dagger.
What does a frog say when it sees something' great? Toadly awesome!
"Waiter, this vinegar is rather lumpy." Waiter: "That's because they're pickled onions, sir."
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!”
How about we spank each other and call ourselves even?
Uncle Harry is very rich. His dog was lonely so he bought it a boy to play with. ‘He’s spending a year dead for tax purposes.’ Douglas Adams
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.