A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket. Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall. She showed him the instructions on the tin, "For best results, put on two coats".
Patient: "Tell me how I can repay you for all your kindness." Doctor: "You can pay by cash, cheque or MONEY order."
Ad from a printer I will not be doing business with: "We offer a full line of pricing options that will meet or exceed your printing budget."
Mary goes to the post office to buy 50 stamps for her Hanukkah cards. "What denomination?" asks the postal clerk. Mary thinks a second before replying, "Give me six Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform."
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One, but the lightbulb must really want to change.
One day 2 blondes walked into a tanning salon. One blonde said, " A tan for 2 please!" The cashier said, " Ok," filled out a form for them and asked, "are you two sisters?" They chuckled and replied, " No, we aren't even Catholic."
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they're 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year.
Me: "I'm finally happy!" Life: "Lol, wait a sec."
A cop was interrogating a very intoxicated Irishman, who was also severly bleeding. The officer asked, "Can you describe the person who did this to you?" The Irishman replied, "That's what I was doing when he hit me."
Kid: "Mom, am I ugly?" Mom: "I told you not to call me mom in public."