A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.
The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.
The man replies, “Come on, a dog?”
The owner says, “How about a cat?”
The man replies, “No way! A cat certainly can’t do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!”
The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, “I’ve got it! A centipede!”
The man says, “A centipede? I can’t imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay… I’ll try a centipede.”
He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, “Clean the kitchen.”
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and… it’s immaculate!
All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away the counter-tops cleaned the appliances sparkling the floor waxed.
He’s absolutely amazed.
He says to the centipede, “Go clean the living room.”
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room.
The carpet has been vacuumed the furniture cleaned and dusted the pillows on the sofa plumped, plants watered.
The man thinks to himself, “This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!”
Next he says to the centipede, “Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper.”
The centipede walks out the door.
10 minutes later…no centipede.
20 minutes later… no centipede.
30 minutes later… no centipede.
By this point the man is wondering what’s going on.
The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes.
45 minutes later… still no centipede!
He can’t imagine what could have happened.
Did the centipede run away?
Did it get run over by a car?
Where is that centipede?
So he goes to the front door, opens it…and there’s the centipede sitting right outside.
The man says, “Hey! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What’s the matter?!”
The centipede says, “I’m goin’! I’m goin’! I’m just puttin’ on my shoes!”
How does a black woman know when she's pregnant?
When she pulls out her tampon all the cotton is picked off.
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Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my dog's paw and he pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.
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A man answers the telephone to find a doctor from the hospital's emergency room on the other end.
"Sir," explains the doctor, "Your wife was in a serious car accident. I have bad news and good news."
The man, taken back, asks hesitatntly, "What's the bad news?"
"The bad news is your wife has lost all use of both arms and both legs. She will likely be on a respirator for the rest of her life."
"Heavens, Doc, what's the good news?"
The doctor replies, "I'm kidding. She's dead."
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My nephew told me when he grows up, he wants to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer.
I need to tell my bro to do a better job at hiding his porn.
Hardest job in the world: police sketch artist in China.
A man and a blonde are at an ATM.
The man says "I know you'r pincode, it's ****" and the blonde says "No it's not! It's 4829!"
Yo momma so stupid, she put 2 quarters to her ears and thought she was listenin’ to 50 Cent.
Even after muting "Walker, Texas Ranger", you can still hear Chuck Norris's victims screaming after getting roundhouse kicked.
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A man sees a fine looking woman at a bar.
He steps over to her an says, "Hey baby, let me suck on your nipples."
She says, "Watch it buddy, I'll have my boyfriend kick your ass."
He laughs and says, "Alright, why don't I just give you a big sloppy kiss then."
She says, "Listen, if you say one more thing to me, I will have my man kill you."
"This is my final offer", he says, "I'll hold you upside-down, pour beer into your pussy, and drink from your cunt."
She gets up, walks over to her boyfriend, tells him this guy said he was going to lick her tits.
He yells, "I'll kill him!"
She then tells him he was going to kiss her.
By now he's pissed and starts walking in his direction.
She says, "Wait!
He also said he would hang me by my ankles, pour beer down my twat, and drink from me!"
Her boy friend stops and say's "Sorry babe, I can't fuck with anyone who can drink that much beer."