A man stumbles across an old lamp while he was at his attorney's office.
Figuring his luck has to change, he rubs the lamp and out pops a genie.
The genie explains to him that he gets three wishes, and whatever he wishes for, his wife gets double.
The man asks for his first wish.
"The first thing I want is a million dollars."
The genie says, "Okay, but you know that your wife gets two million."
The man said, "That's okay. My second wish is for a large house on a remote tropical paradise."
The genie says, "Then your wife will have two beautiful houses."
The man replied, "That's fine. Now for my third wish. I want you to beat me half to death."
Hardest job in the world: police sketch artist in China.
Hey guys.
Bet your female friend that she can't use both of her elbows to touch her belly button.
Thank me later.
Yo mama so ugly, even hello kitty said goodbye.
Chuck Norris once kicked Hulk in the face, so Hulk ran into the woods.
He is now known as Shrek.
Vote:
A teacher asks the children to discuss what their fathers do for a living.
Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer.
He puts the bad guys in jail."
Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor.
He makes all the sick people better."
All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny.
Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?"
Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."
"I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died?"
"He turned blue and shit on the carpet."
Vote:
Jimmy's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"
His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Jimmy."
Jimmy says, "Now!
I can see why they threw him out!
Teacher: "Now class, whatever I ask, I want you to all answer at once.
How much is six plus four?"
Class: "At once!"
Q: Anyone know any jokes about sodium?
A: Na
Patty was quietly minding her own business, eating her soup alone in her booth at a local eatery, when a voice startled her from behind.
It was the guy in the booth behind her.
"Not so loud!" he said.
"What?" she questioned, as she took another spoonful of soup.
"I said not so loud!" was his muffled reply.
Embarrassed at being told she was slurping her soup, she pushed away her bowl and started her grilled cheese sandwich.
"How was your day?" questioned the man from behind once again.
"Pretty good" responded Patty, confused that this stranger would care.
"Did you pass the exam?" came the next question from behind.
"I don't know, I didn't get my grade yet" replied a thoroughly bewildered Patty.
"I'll have to call you back when I'm out of here", came the voice from behind once again, "some nut job is answering every question I ask you!